I am compelled to write.

I know you are reading.

I watched the trailer for the LCD Soundsystem documentary about 20 times today. Every time I got a lump in my throat and goosebumps shot up and down my arms. People know what that band, and particularly that song means to me.

All My Friends.

It’s my life. It’s my autobiography. Like all good biographies it is the truth of me regardless of the facts. 

This film, about stopping something at the top and doing something else. Wow. 15 months since the last Filmstock and still people ask and talk. Meanwhile.

I work. I study. I maintain. I keep working towards. I miss my friends. None more so than the man I’ve called my friend, my hombre, my collaborator, my co-saboteur for so long. Our communications reveal us adrfit without each other.

Surviving, building, something missing.

This is the hardest part of my life to date. I am not where I want to be physically, professionally or creatively. All at once.

Sometimes it’s one of those that applies. 

Feels like starting over.

No more misery though. My life is great. My negativity comes from a restlessness, a refusal to accept that this is my life.

But write it down and it’s all positive. Pencil or Pen. Heading, or There already. 

Where are my friends tonight? At home. Struggling in this clusterfuck of an economy. Are they happy? Have they forgotten their dreams? Found new ones? Do they know that happiness is a long walk away? Do they miss me like I miss them?

I am not saying I am bound for greatness, only that I am aiming for it. Still.

You. Who read that and thought, I wish I thought like that. Think like that. It costs nothing to think. No embarrassment can come from it.

Don’t slip into the grave with those thoughts unthought.

We are not here long. Leave your mark.

I intend to leave mine. And now, right now = I am screaming in silence because this life is not mine, it’s alien, anathema. But soon. I will look back in slow motion with a fucking cool soundtrack and a voiceover and see this part of it for the friend it really is.

I love.

I create.

I walk.

I see.

I listen.

I breathe.

I hold.

I write.

I drink coffee, I listen to LCD Soundsystem and know that we all have so much more we are going to give. And our party, at the end of it all……

Well, watch that trailer again.

Premonition.

Cue my tears. Of joy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FAUyrFWDvw&list=FLl5e5Wo1BtzzY8PRZeC7Cvg&feature=mh_lolz